Benny - Starfleet Janitor

Stardate 42561.9

I can't sleep. There's still almost an hour until Gamma Shift, and I could really use the sleep, but I just can't. I have a bad feeling. Since I set out from Earth to join the crew of the Enterprise-D, we haven't gone more than four days in a row without some catastrophe or another, and I just feel like we're due for another one. Just last week we all had our memory wiped my Romulans and replaced by false memories that made us believe we were fighting each other. I almost killed Stuart, the warehouse manager, because I thought he was a lizard warrior from Tau 6. Luckily, Commander Data had his memories backed-up on tape, and after he restored us he was able to augment the flux inhibitors to reflect the controlling isotronic beam that was scattering our brainwaves, thereby restoring our original memories. Or something like that. A few days before that we were invaded by an alien energy-based life-form when we flew through an unexplored nebula in the Thart'ook system. They fed on all energy transmissions from the ship. The harder we drove the engines, the more sensor readings we took, the more we tried to send out communications to Star Base 205, the more powerful they grew. Eventually we had to shut down the whole ship in a gamble to get them to go away. We almost froze to death before they moved on. And the week before that our accident prone captain was captured (again) by an invisible force and we had to create an elaborate holograph  projection to replace the captain while we smuggled him back. I could go on and on... I thought this was a peaceful science mission! I've almost died 37 times this year, I've been in sickbay more than any janitor has a right to be, I've had my body taken over, mind wiped and controlled, I've been sick with plagues from a dozen different star systems, I've been phase-shifted out of reality, and once I think I was cloned and sent back 5 minutes in time to kill myself and take my place, but I can't actual remember if that happened or not. I actually had to disconnect the Yellow Alert indicator in my room because it was going off pretty much constantly for a few weeks, and I couldn't sleep. At least the food is better than at my last assignment. Anyway, enough rambling... I pulled Ten Forward on the duty sheet last night, and it's going to take a while to clean after Lt. Warf's birthday (ever tried cleaning bloodwine out of carpet?), so I might as well give up on sleep and get a head start.

Stardate 42562.4

Yep... almost died. We were trapped inside a space-time bubble created by a cosmic amorphous entity, and then we started seeing visions of our lives in alternate timelines and dimensions. Luckily Commander La Forge created a beam-diverter by repolarizing the warp engine's energy diverters, and used it to cut through the fabric of the bubble, resulting in a huge explosion that we just barely escaped from. Also, I think all of our organic cells were shrunk by 0.3% in the process, but no one seems to mind too much. And in all that excitement I didn't have time to clean up that bloodwine, and now it's stained the carpet permanently. Shit.

Stardate 42599.7

Imm to drnkkk nto typp bytg i wanwtd to say i amde out wit ensgn mcdaniels at th staf parrtu tnight. wwooooo@ she so hottt!! dam i luv synthohol -- its nassty, but heym repalimacation is free right!??

Stardate 42600.1

Ow, my head... what the hell happened last night? Oh shit... I gotta go talk to McDaniels.

Stardate 42626.3

I'm apprehensive about the upcoming shore leave. First of all, being a janitor here on the mighty starship Enterprise, and seeing as I rank just below Ensign and just above the metal blocks they use to test the transporter, I will be vacuuming all 42 decks while all the important people are off on Risa having unprotected sex with aliens. The second reason I am apprehensive is that every time we try to have a relaxing shore leave, something ends up blowing up, or there's a kidnapping, or an outbreak, or a distress call, or the holodeck takes over the ship, or we get stuck in a time loop, or [TRANSMISSION ERROR]

Stardate 42626.3 [continued]

Captain's log 42626.3. After a bizarre vacuuming incident in engineering, the transwarp modifiers sent us into a timeloop in an alternate dimension. Luckily we were able to escape by reversing the flow of the warp drive through a warp capacitor and then releasing the resulting delta field throughout the ship. All time anomalies have been rectified, although there is some concern among the staff that we may have switched [TRANSMISSION ERROR]

Stardate 42626.3 [continued]

or we get stuck in a time loop, or something. I just know it. I guess I'll just have to wait and see. Time to get vacuuming. I think I'll start in engineering.

Stardate 42648.1

I don't get it. I'm working my ass of here, but everyone else seems to be on permanent holiday. I just saw La Forge and Data leaving Ten Foward with drinks in their hands, dressed as Sherlock Holmes and Watson, headed for holodeck two. Don't they have, you know, a galaxy-class starship to run? Or alien lifeforms to document? We've discovered two new ones in the past 36 hours (one of which tried to drain our life-force, and the other accidentally transported all of us into empty space to talk to us for 10 seconds before realizing their error). Shouldn't we be writing some of that down for, I dunno, science or history or something? I'm on my way to clean the captain's stank ass fish tank while he's down in recreation sparring with the bartender Guinan. The bartender! Funny, he's never asked the janitor to join him for some friendly fencing practice.

Stardate 42652.4

Just left Galleos VII where we rescued a bunch of mud-dwelling plasmoids from being incinerated by their planet's overactive volcanoes. Not to sound heartless, but doesn't that kinda go against the prime directive? I'm always a bit fuzzy on that. We are not supposed to get in the way of nature or interfere with a species' development, but we seem to be getting involved in the problems of every half-sentient being in this quadrant of the galaxy. All I know is now the transporter room and cargo bay 6 are covered in greenish purple sludge that corrodes titanium alloys. A mop and bucket ain't gonna cut it this time. Last time I dealt with a substance like this, Dr. Crusher had to have my fingertips regrown. Goody for me.

Stardate 42669.5

Shut up Wesley. Shut up Wesley. Shut up Wesley. Shut up Wesley. Shut up Wesley. Shut up Wesley...

Stardate 42721.8

Wow, so much has happened! Where to start. Oh yeah, the ship was damaged by... eh, I can't keep it straight anymore. Anyway, it was damaged, and we lost power and shields and the sensors and transporters stopped working... you know, all the normal stuff that happens every time somebody taps this amazing technological wonder of a ship with a stick. I got stuck on Deck 12 which got flooded with radiation, and we almost died because the turbolift wasn't working. I got to thinking... why don't we have stairs? I mean, none at all? Doesn't that go against fire code regulations dating back about 400 years? Especially since the damn turbolifts are (a) not all that "turbo" and (b) broken every other week? Seems like a serious design flaw. There should be a sign on the door that says "In case of fire... die." Also, seatbelts? Every time we get hit, everyone gets thrown around like rag dolls. I noticed it when I was cleaning up blood on the battle bridge after that encounter with our evil selves from that dimensional inversion near Queantor VI. Seems like a pretty obvious thing to have installed on the chairs on the bridge. I guess they get in the way of the aesthetics. So does this blood stain.

Stardate 42733.2

I got my transfer orders! I'm off of this blasted ship. I can already feel my life-expectancy numbers improving. Good luck Captain Picard, and all the rest of you. Try to stay out of trouble. Don't use the toilet on Deck 16 forward anymore, I can't figure out what's wrong with it. Remind Data to clean that cat's box once in a while, I think he forgets because he can't smell. Oh, and take my advice... next time you see anything anomalous in space, anything at all, just turn around and do like me - get the hell out of there!