home again
i suddenly find the walls are bare
a couple of old posters on the exposed brick
lonely & detached
circles of dust
the only remains of familiar trinkets
i don't quite have the will to
clean them off
the empty rooms
an unsettling vacuum
like missing a step on the way down
and i can't see the bottom of this well
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Parties
Parties are a strange phenomenon for shy awkward introverts. It's like a form of torture. Other people don't understand. "Going out" is the rare exception for me, not the norm. I could never understand people who call up their friends every night to say "Hey, you goin out tonight?" For me, I need to have it planned out a week in advance, with RSVPs and figure out who's bringing the chips and everything.
But once in a while I get dragged to a random kegger, and I have to put on a good face. Usually it's a friend's friend's brother's birthday, and you want to say no, but you can't. So you show up, and there's about 70 drunk people you don't know, and your friend isn't even there yet. Or they already showed up with a bunch of other friends you don't know and they barely have time to say "Hey! Glad you made it!" before disappearing into the crowd. This is going to be painful. You need to think of some ways to waste the time away before you feel like it will be a socially acceptable time to leave.
1) Get a Beer
Wander around, asking people "Hey, where can I get a drink?" Go the wrong way so it takes twice as long. Joke around with the guy in front of you in the keg line, "Man, is this all they have. Psh, I usually only drink the good stuff, but hey, you gotta drink man. Hey, howabout that weather?" Fill your cup 1/3 of the way so that (a) it looks like you've been drinking and "having a good time" and (b) you have an excuse to go back often.
2) Call Your Friend
Whip out your cell as if it just vibrated, say "hold on" and move someplace quieter. (Yes!) Pretend to listen, or say "uh-huh". Check your voicemail. Check your text messages. Clear out old messages. Fix spellings in your contacts' names. Call the weather guy. Call the current time lady. Choose a new ringtone.
3) Find Your Friend
Walk from room to room, asking people "Have you seen Ted? No? Well will you tell him I'm looking for him? Thanks." Ask a lot of people. Move from room to room in as circuitous a pattern as possible, like the little kids in Family Circle. Repeat rooms up to once, after that it starts to look suspicious.
4) Stand Outside a Circle
Locate a noisy room with a big circle of people talking about something. Stand at the edge and act as the studio audience, laughing and groaning at the appropriate place. You could potentially be anybody's friend there, so they won't usually care that they don't know you. If it starts to get awkward, make a smooth exit with a good "Have you seen Ted?"
5) Appear to Pass Out
Find an empty couch cushion or chair and pretend to "sleep it off". Doze drunkenly with your 1/3 cup of beer in hand, slipping slowly away. Stay alert though, you don't want the Sharpie treatment.
6) Watch the Game
With any luck, there will be a big-screen TV and a football or basketball or soccer game on. You can sit and gaze at it in stupor, as if you actually give a shit who has the ball and why they are running around with it. Admire the cool 3D graphics that transition between plays and give game stats. Imagine which rendering engine they use. This works well, because there are probably other guys there who really do give a shit, gazing at the screen in a stupor.
7) Say Goodbye
Once it is sufficiently late and you've used up all your other options, it's time to seek out the 5 people you barely know by sight and let them know you're "heading out" because you've got to "get up early", and that you will "see them later". Just for good measure, let them know if they ever find Ted that he should give you a call. Do you have my cell? No? Let's waste 30 seconds trading numbers, even though we will never have a reason to call each other, and I probably will forget whose number it is and delete it later.
8) Exit the Building
But once in a while I get dragged to a random kegger, and I have to put on a good face. Usually it's a friend's friend's brother's birthday, and you want to say no, but you can't. So you show up, and there's about 70 drunk people you don't know, and your friend isn't even there yet. Or they already showed up with a bunch of other friends you don't know and they barely have time to say "Hey! Glad you made it!" before disappearing into the crowd. This is going to be painful. You need to think of some ways to waste the time away before you feel like it will be a socially acceptable time to leave.
1) Get a Beer
Wander around, asking people "Hey, where can I get a drink?" Go the wrong way so it takes twice as long. Joke around with the guy in front of you in the keg line, "Man, is this all they have. Psh, I usually only drink the good stuff, but hey, you gotta drink man. Hey, howabout that weather?" Fill your cup 1/3 of the way so that (a) it looks like you've been drinking and "having a good time" and (b) you have an excuse to go back often.
2) Call Your Friend
Whip out your cell as if it just vibrated, say "hold on" and move someplace quieter. (Yes!) Pretend to listen, or say "uh-huh". Check your voicemail. Check your text messages. Clear out old messages. Fix spellings in your contacts' names. Call the weather guy. Call the current time lady. Choose a new ringtone.
3) Find Your Friend
Walk from room to room, asking people "Have you seen Ted? No? Well will you tell him I'm looking for him? Thanks." Ask a lot of people. Move from room to room in as circuitous a pattern as possible, like the little kids in Family Circle. Repeat rooms up to once, after that it starts to look suspicious.
4) Stand Outside a Circle
Locate a noisy room with a big circle of people talking about something. Stand at the edge and act as the studio audience, laughing and groaning at the appropriate place. You could potentially be anybody's friend there, so they won't usually care that they don't know you. If it starts to get awkward, make a smooth exit with a good "Have you seen Ted?"
5) Appear to Pass Out
Find an empty couch cushion or chair and pretend to "sleep it off". Doze drunkenly with your 1/3 cup of beer in hand, slipping slowly away. Stay alert though, you don't want the Sharpie treatment.
6) Watch the Game
With any luck, there will be a big-screen TV and a football or basketball or soccer game on. You can sit and gaze at it in stupor, as if you actually give a shit who has the ball and why they are running around with it. Admire the cool 3D graphics that transition between plays and give game stats. Imagine which rendering engine they use. This works well, because there are probably other guys there who really do give a shit, gazing at the screen in a stupor.
7) Say Goodbye
Once it is sufficiently late and you've used up all your other options, it's time to seek out the 5 people you barely know by sight and let them know you're "heading out" because you've got to "get up early", and that you will "see them later". Just for good measure, let them know if they ever find Ted that he should give you a call. Do you have my cell? No? Let's waste 30 seconds trading numbers, even though we will never have a reason to call each other, and I probably will forget whose number it is and delete it later.
8) Exit the Building
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